ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
