Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
