I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
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The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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