Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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