apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
