Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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