There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
