If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
