Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
