At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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