Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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