one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
