So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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