im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
