1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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