I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
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