If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
