She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
