so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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