I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
