I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
