Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
