Where did you get a picture of my penis
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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