fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
