I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Nicole vs. Life
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
