at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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