the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
