Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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