VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
