My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
