I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
