arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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