no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
