Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
