i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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