Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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