I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
