omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I need to sanitize my soul.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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