dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
