I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
