So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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