I just threw up on my dentist
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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