half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
