The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
