In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW