look no pants
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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