I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
