I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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