he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
40s are totally the cure
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know her cup size but not her name....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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