Someone shit on the floor
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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