i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
