the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
