Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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