grandma shit on top of the toilet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
