Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize