why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
