: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
